Whirling around an emotional black hole

Every day is a sprint to the finish--how can I get as far away from the pain as possible? Surviving from one minute to the next is an effort of will. An hour takes a year to go by. It's wrenching and eviscerating to the point where I sometimes can't get from breath to breath, and I'm nauseous all the time. The hardest part is that the person I love most in the world is the one who did this to me.

Looking back, I see ways in which I was unhappy with Glenn a long time ago. He told me so many times over the past week that I didn't love him for who he is, but I disagree. I loved him completely from the first weekend we had together. But if loving him for who he is means having no needs of my own and being okay with him leading a completely separate, independent life that barely intersected with mine, than no, I don't. When things were good with us, he never hesitated to make time for me and our relationship, and I did the same for him. For some reason that stopped after a few months in LA. He never seemed to have time for me and that was at the root of my unhappiness. I came to LA of my own accord, but on the assumption that Glenn would be my partner and that he'd support me through the transition. When he began to withdraw this winter, it was excruciating--he left right when I needed him the most. If he loved me for who I am, he would have stayed involved and treated me better. If he loved me for who I am, he wouldn't walk away because we had issues. My happiness in LA was very dependent on our partnership. I did a great job of making a successful life for myself there, and I was becoming more independent, more of the person he remembered from Boston. It's ironic that he bowed out right when I
was really getting it together.

The Tour de France is going on. I actually understand it now, though we always watched it together at Tom's house in Mandeville. All the cyclist's names are familiar but they are all Glenn. My phone is silent and my heart is in pieces and I still can't bring myself to unpack my suitcases because it means I'm really here and not there. It would mean that there's no going back to you, to our apartment, to our life together.