Abyss walker

So many thoughts. My mind is on spin cycle and the only time it calms down is when I've finished a crying jag and am about to fall asleep.

I can't claim that everything was peachy with us before the very end. Besides feeling like I lost my voice in the relationship and feeling like Glenn lost interest in me as a person, I stopped liking who I was around him. I am not the mean mommy that I became over the last few months, especially about the wedding planning. I have never had ANY desire to play a mother role in our relationship and I hated and resented being put in that position. Maybe it all comes down to crappy communication. As Glenn withdrew, I kept trying to bring him back in by nagging him to get involved and that just pushed him away further. I AM a happy person at heart, but we were in a terrible situation. How could I be happy when my fiance was leaving me gradually and I felt alone and abandoned?

I went to my friend K's baby shower this afternoon and had a complete meltdown in her driveway. Did I do the right thing by leaving LA? What if we could have fixed things and I ruined it by making an impulsive decision? Why does he make it sound like everything is my fault?

After the shower, I somehow managed to make a trip to Target for new yoga clothes. They were playing "Clair de Lune" over the loudspeaker and all I wanted to do was dance with Glenn through the store. I feel empty and hollow, as if I'm walking over a gigantic abyss that has opened up underneath everything I see and know and think and feel.

Scully is running around the office meowing. She misses Glenn. She misses our little family.