No escape

Every single little thing reminds me of Glenn and our life together. Someone called today and I had to search for a notebook on my father's desk to write down the message. I want to be at our desk, where I had notebooks conveniently stashed. Our desk, where all our papers were mixed and nothing was a secret. Rummaging through the freezer, I found a bunch of chicken sausage that made me think of the chicken snossages from Trader Joe's that we ate all the time. A Radiohead song reminds me of the fact that I don't have that CD anymore because it was his and our collection has been separated.

I wish we had called off the wedding when we moved to LA. Maybe he never understood that I felt pressured into doing the big wedding thing, that it wasn't what I wanted, either. Having to plan a wedding I didn't want on top of adjusting to LA and looking for a job drained me so much emotionally and spiritually that when things got bad between us, I couldn't react or deal. In the past, the only way for me to protect myself from men who didn't know what they wanted was to leave. I know I made the absolute right move by calling off the wedding, but I don't know what to do about the relationship. I didn't feel done with it or Glenn when I left, but he was pushing me away as hard as possible and telling me in every way he could that
he didn't know what he wanted anymore, and I didn't know what else to do. I feel like I made the call but Glenn forced my hand on that front. It took reading his Gina messages for me to really feel like things were getting final.

But I'm still so torn. I spent years being absolutely sure that Glenn were the one, and now I'm not sure at all. How could I have been so wrong? I still feel a deep, deep love for the person he was before all this happened, but I can't stand the person he is right now. This isn't him--some weird alien breakup creature came down and took over Glenn's body. The funny thing is, I've never felt more clear about who I am and what I want than I have been over the past month. I've spent a year focusing on Glenn's needs and it's a relief to focus on my own needs now. If I can focus on anything--I can't seem to see straight half the time.