Toe in the water

One thing that really sucks about ending a long-term relationship, especially one that you thought was going to be permanent, is the realization that you have to go back on the dating scene. Let's be honest--dating SUCKS. You have to try all these people on for size and just hope that one day you'll find one that fits and doesn't chafe in weird, unexpected places. You have to worry about what underwear you're wearing out on dates and whether you remembered to shave your legs that morning, and if your jeans make your butt look good. Dressing up for someone you love is fun, but for me dressing for dates is like going back to high school--I can never do quite the right thing.

So a few months ago, I signed up with an online dating site just for the hell of it. I was stuck in the suburbs, where eligible, sane men dared not venture, and it helped me feel less isolated from the world of normal people. Meeting people online cut down on the number of awkward dinner dates and fashion-inspired anxiety. This way, I get to wake up in the morning and see which men out there think I'm hot. Are they worthy? Are they freaks? Now I can judge from a distance and cherry-pick the good ones, all while protecting my fragile ego. Why couldn't we do this ten years ago????

I have gone on a total of one date with someone I met on the site. He was very nice, extremely normal and exactly what he said he was in his profile (apparently this is rare?) But we had zero chemistry and ended up spending a very long hour trying to make conversation until our omelettes were eaten. If that's the worst that online dating can offer, I'm down with it.

I have, however, emailed extensively with a few guys on the site. Emailing rarely leads anywhere, but you get to find out some interesting things that might otherwise have taken months to surface. People's profiles give away a lot of secrets. Can they spell correctly? Do they use vernacular, smiley faces or acronyms? Have they read a book in the past year? Are they self-involved,lacking confidence or too into their toys?

One man I chatted with has a tube in his brain from a childhood cerebral illness and he doesn't drink because his doctors told him it could kill him. Another bragged endlessly about his film company and completely forgot to ask anything about me, which sort of negated the whole "getting to know you" thing. Then there was the 35-year old self-employed cyclist. I almost gave myself whiplash from slamming the computer shut. Only one guy sent me naked pictures, so I count myself lucky.

Right after I signed up for the site, I got curious about who I could have met if I'd stayed in LA, so I ran a search in my old zip code and guess who I found? My heart sank and I felt like I'd been suckerpunched--Glenn had already re-entered the dating world. And his photos were kickass. The downside of modern dating is finding your ex-fiance's profile on an online dating site. I cried for two days, but then I forced myself to read his profile closely and I discovered that, while my profile contained a little bit of information about who I am, his profile encompassed ALL of who he is. Read that profile, know Glenn instantly, Women of LA, beware. He likes to steal olives from the olive bar at Whole Foods and he'll make you wait until 5pm on a Saturday to hang out because he's too busy riding his bike. Have fun