Giving up the ghost

Today I dragged my ass out of bed at the crack of dawn and hauled myself over to the Massachusetts RMV, where I formally re-registered my car, thereby relinquishing one of my last ties to my former life in California. Now all that's left is my CA license and my LA cell phone number. I don't know why I'm so reluctant to give up my California citizenship. The idea of putting down roots here in Boston, where I grew up just feels so....small. Boston is full of history and California is new, unexplored, full of possibility. Living in LA changed me in some fundamental ways that had nothing to do with Glenn and everything to do with my sense of self, my priorities, the way I want to live my life. So coming back here felt like an admission of failure, a retreat of sorts. It's been a lot like trying to shove my feet into a favorite pair of shoes that no longer fit. For the past 8 months, Boston has been an incubator and the longer I stay here, the longer it feels like I'm still recovering from something.

My boss and I have been talking about the possibility of relocating my position to the company's west coast bastion in Mountain View. At first I hoped that we could make the move this summer, but now it's looking like it will happen at the end of 2005. When she told me in our meeting last week, I almost cried. Another year here? Another year of waiting to advance my yoga practice, another winter to deal with. But I've decided to change my attitude. If I live every day of the next year to its utmost I will have no regrets when I move to the Bay Area. Looking back, I've rushed through so many experiences by focusing on the futute instead of living fully in the present. Then, when I get where I was so eager to go, I look back and realize how good I had it before. And then the nostalgia hits because I didn't take advantage of good moments when I had the chance. I've spent years trying to leave Boston but I always end up coming back because I never realized that the answers I was searching for in other locations were really things I had to find in myself. Trite but true. It's a cycle that I'm stopping as of this moment. If, in a year, I still want to make the move out west, it will be because I've wrung every last bit of love out of Boston and I'm ready to relocate for a good, long time. No more bouncing around like Happy Fun Ball.