Notes from New York

The Gates in Central Park are fascinating. When J and I first walked into the Park, I was non-plussed. There are lots and lots of...orange gates. But as we walked through the Park, you can see how the Gates undulate and weave through the trees, creating a map of pedestrian movement that's both static and dynamic at the same time. The color is very festive, too. I felt like we were part of an Asian celebratory parade of some kind.

New Jersey, on the other hand, was just bizarre. Not funny bizarre, like going to the Paramus Mall and finding a great bargain in a store that never has sales. I'm talking Twin Peaks bizarre, complete with talking log and psychic midget.

My father, who grew up in Brooklyn and worked as a cab driver in New York City for several years, could not locate our hotel in New Jersey. We ended up driving around 17 in circles for a good half hour while my mother screamed and kvetched in the passenger seat, and my father and I looked fruitlessly for the Doubletree amid the endless mall sprawl. When we finally found the place, the guy at the desk put us in rooms on the second floor but couldn't tell us where the elevators or the stairs were. The next morning when we came downstairs, there was some sort of meeting going on in the hotel ballroom. It sounded like a Portuguese Baptist revival, but it could also have been a very energetic AA meeting being held in a foreign language. I couldn't tell. Then, every few minutes, a woman would walk down the hallway escorting a retarded child to the front door. Every time she went by, she was with a different kid, but there wasn't a van or anything waiting outside, so for all I knew the children were being vacuumed up by some sort of UFO as soon as they stepped outside. It was just WEIRD.

Then there was the bar mitzvah. I had no idea that bar mitzvahs had gotten so elaborate. Every bar or bat mitzvah I attended in middle and high school was at night, so I knew they could get swanky and slightly over the top, but this one took the cake for sheer entertainment value. My cousins threw their son a gala party following his bar mitzvah service. They did exactly what the parents of every other Jewish 13-year old boy and girl in the nation are doing, but it was an example of how pumped up the party racket has become.

1. The Location: a pseudo-French Chateau-style restaurant/function facility in a New Jersey strip mall.

2. The Theme: Casino Night. There was a mini-casino above the dance floor, with fake money and visors that had flashing lights on the brim.

3. The Food: Three buffet spreads and a seated 3-course dinner. In the space of four hours. The initial buffet, which I foolishly assumed was lunch, was followed by a second buffet of fried finger food for the under-13 crowd, a plated salad, pasta dish and choice of salmon, chicken or steak for the adults, and a final dessert buffet with cake, pastries and a sundae bar. The bar mitzvah was two days ago and I'm still full.

4. The Entertainment: A DJ/entertainer brother act that kept the room pulsing with "Sweet Caroline," "Hey-ya" and, later, Harry Connick Jr. renditions of Sinatra songs. There was no point during the afternoon at which I did not need to scream in order to conduct a conversation with the family members sitting at my table. The entertainer half of the duo, a 5'6" gay man in a tight black T-shirt and pants, was clearly on speed. It's an odd thing to watch a man who is clearly a gentile shrieking, "Let's hear it for the MOTZI!!!" at the top of his lungs. He led the kids in the money dance, some Irish step dancing and something involving toilet paper, plastic leis and a stopwatch. He did not one but two rock star leaps off the sizeable speakers set up in front of the DJ booth. He screamed into his microphone so enthusiastically that he turned red and veins stood out in his neck. He was born to be the entertainment director on a cruise ship.

If you're standing in a room having flashbacks from The Wedding Singer, it's a bad scene. I'm not trying to be snarky because my cousin and his friends had fun, and that's really what matters (so does the fact that his parents probably dropped around $15K on the party). It was quite the experience, though.