Thank you, sir. May I have another?

Depression is a sneaky, elusive, evil creature. I've struggled with it all my life and despite my assiduous popping of happy pills, it surfaces every so often and rears its nasty head. There are certain things that bring it on, like lack of exercise, bad weather, crappy eating habits, lack of sleep, drinking, PMS, stress and emotional distress. Sometimes it comes back for no reason at all. I'll be sitting at my desk and all of a sudden I'll realize that there's nothing in the world I want so much as to go home, crawl into bed and not come out for a month or two.

Maybe it's the weather or the fact that I've had Glenn dreams almost every night, but this week has been really tough and I had one of those moments today. It's weird how being depressed colors everyday experiences. Suddenly I start looking at utility poles in a whole new way while I'm in the car. Every little decision feels overwhelming and I just can't deal with small responsibilities like feeding the cat and paying bills. I feel numb and raw at the same time. I want to hide from the world and my bed becomes a womb that I don't want to leave. That familiar abyss opens up beneath me and it's a monumental effort not to let myself fall into it. Depression is enervating because it takes so much energy to keep it from becoming debilitating. I remember trying to explain the abyss thing to my parents when I first started taking happy pills after high school, and it was strange because I thought everyone struggled with the abyss and they really had no idea what the abyss experience felt like.

It goes without saying that the Glenn dreams have brought up all kinds of difficult feelings that don't mix well with my normal, seasonal depression. I wonder when my head and my heart will get on the same page. Sometimes my head still spins at all the things that have changed since this time last year. The enormous gap in my heart is still there, it's just getting easier to ignore. But the sense of loss is just as acute as it was last summer, and for the first time in months I find myself wanting to call him. Not that I want to hear about his life, or that I want to share anything about my day to day existence, but just to hear his voice. To look for that rapport. I know he's moved on and I feel pathetic because I'm still stuck in this place, especially since I know the person I love doesn't really exist anymore. How do you excise someone from your life so completely? How does it work?

The hard part is that I know the best thing I can do for myself is usually the exact opposite of what I feel like doing. So tonight, instead of popping some Tylenol PM and crawling into bed at 7pm like I did last night, I'll go to the gym and put in some time on my favorite cardio machine--the rotating stairs that the trainers at my gym have dubbed The Gauntlet. Then I'll go to the supermarket. I'll make myself get out in the world and interact. Maybe I'll bake the cherry vanilla nutbread that I've been meaning to make all week. And I'll cross my fingers that tomorrow will be easier.

My tarot card for the day is, strangely enough, Sharing:

The Queen of Fire is so rich, so much a queen, that she can afford to give. It doesn't even occur to her to take inventories or to put something aside for later. She dispenses her treasures without limits, welcoming all and sundry to partake of the abundance, fertility and light that surrounds her.

When you draw this card, it suggests that you too are in a situation where you have an opportunity to share your love, your joy and your laughter. And in sharing, you find that you feel even more full.

There is no need to go anywhere or to make any special effort. You find that you can enjoy sensuality without possessiveness or attachment, can give birth to a child or to a new project with an equal sense of creativity fulfilled.

Everything around you seems to be "coming together" now. Enjoy it, ground yourself in it, and let the abundance in you and around you overflow.