Thursday, November 02, 2006

All the things I've been denying and trying to ignore

My best friend is throwing us a Jack and Jill wedding shower on Saturday. Yesterday LC asked me if I was excited and for the first time I realized that guilt has replaced happiness, a realization that made me feel even more guilty. In the best of circumstances, I hate being in the spotlight and parties like this are all about focusing on the couple at hand. I don’t feel like I deserve the attention. After all, this is the second time I’m doing this, the second shower. The happiness I felt the first time around didn’t exactly bode well, so maybe it’s a good thing that I feel more scared and guilty than ecstatic. My friends and family are doing this for the second time, too, and I worry that I’ve put them through too much. Too many ups and downs, too many parties and gifts, too much hope that got dashed. I wonder if they resent this second round of festivities, if they wonder whether this one will stick, if they think I’m defective or demanding.

Lunchboy is the best man I know, the best I may have ever known. He is on a different plane than Glenn was and there is no comparison between the two of them. In my brain, I know that Lunchboy is not the leaving kind. When he says he’s here for the long haul, I know he means it. I trust him implicitly. But in my heart, which still bears scars that pop up in dreams I cannot control, I am scared that getting too excited about the wedding will end in more heartbreak. I’m scared that it will happen again. And I have to find a way past the fear because I can’t let the past color the present. I can’t let it affect Lunchboy’s experience of the engagement because this is his first time and it’s not fair. This is our time. So when I wake up in tears from a dream that came out of the blue, I am glad that he’s on the road and can’t see the fear in me. I want to put it aside for his sake, for our sake. And I’m hoping that writing this all down will help.


Carmen said...

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that nobody wonders whether this one will stick. And nobody resents you; they admire your resilience! Geez. Anyone who springs back like that and searches out the best man in the world deserves kudos -- in the form of flatware.

Anonymous said...

Glenn who?
You should focus all your attention, affection and dreams on lunch boy. If you are both in for the long haul, then you should celebrate with heart and soul, you say that you've found the best man, so celebrate in that fact and forget what's his name. Your special day will come and believe me it goes by so fast it almost seems like a dream. Cease the day and revel in the joy you feel about your good luck at finding your mate for life in lunch boy.