Friday, May 20, 2005

Can you handle my truth?

I’ve learned an important lesson these past few weeks, which is: Never share your blog with a person you may or may not become romantically involved with. At least, don’t share it with them until the relationship is on extremely solid ground, like if you’re getting married or something. Otherwise it’s just a big mistake. You end up giving away state secrets rather than just sharing something that is deeply personal as an indication that you’re starting to trust them. At first it was a fun way to send little messages or drop subtle hints, but now it’s a pain in the ass because I have to edit rather than be completely honest.

The truth of the matter is that lunch boy did not break up with his girlfriend. He started the process and the breakup is ongoing, but I don’t know if he’s actually uttered the words, “It’s over.”

He went from “I don’t want to break up until after my mother visits and after I’m sure the gfriend has a place to live,” to “I need to wait until the gfriend is settled in her new place and that she’s okay.” He is a good person. But he cannot stand to be the bad guy and it’s making everyone involved miserable. Because we’re friends (and also because I’m sort of the catalyst behind the breakup), he talked about it a lot and I listened. I empathize with how difficult it is to end a relationship. Really, I do. But there’s only so many times you can hear how he’s frantically worried about her wellbeing, especially when you’re emotionally involved and you’re invested in the outcome of the situation.

“Your independence and self-reliance are some of my favorite things about you,” he told me.

That’s a great compliment, but historically it has translated into, “You’re strong and that’s nice because then I won’t have to worry about your feelings very much.”

Of all the things to take on a leap of faith. I am doing my best to be patient, but it gets harder when he doesn’t give the answers I’m looking for.

“Can I trust you?”
“I don’t know. You can trust me to try and not hurt you.”
“When do you think it will be figured out?”
“I’m not sure. And I don’t want to give you a timeline if it’s going to turn out to be a lie.”

I asked him to give me space until he gets the gfriend situation squared away. I want to trust him and believe that it will work out, but it’s hard to see through the haze of fear and the desire to just barricade my emotions behind titanium doors. Last week I gave him the key to my building but not my apartment. He got in the front door, and now I have to fight not to slam it behind him.

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