On the verge

My day so far consists of the following: sleep, read, sleep, cry, sleep, cry, read, cry, talk to friends on the phone, cry while talking to friends on the phone, sleep some more, read some more, fall asleep for the night while crying. I've dragged a couple of chairs around on the porch so that I can read and stay in the sun as the day goes by. I wander around the kitchen because I know I should eat but my appetite is gone and food isn't going to fill the hole in my middle.

I miss Scully horribly. I wish I'd flown her home with me instead of leaving her with Glenn for the time being. He's taking good care of her, I know, but every time I go to bed I miss her warm weight on my legs. There is nothing more comforting than her purr and the sensation of her head resting on my foot. I don't want her there with him. He doesn't deserve her affection. He doesn't deserve anything.

I tried to call Glenn three times today but he never answered. Either his phone is off or he's up at Tom's house in the canyon where there's no cell reception. Or he's out with the trollop, getting clarity and making sure we're absolutely over. He went from needing a weekend to get his head together, to needing two months to think, and he wants me to stay in LA while he figures it out. But I'm through waiting for him to get his act together. I'm finished cleaning up his mess. It's time he deals with the consequences of his actions.

Last night I went over to my ex-boyfriend J's house for dinner. We dated for 2.5 years, right up to the day before I met Glenn, but we've managed to stay friends and running buddies since we ended things. He made me a yummy dinner of grilled vegetables, which I was crying too hard to eat, and he listened to the story of what happened with empathy and a complete lack of judgement. And as a confessed selfish male, he gave me some insight into Glenn's behavior. But it doesn't help to hear that it wasn't me that caused the problems. That means I have no control over what happens next. If it was partly my fault, at least that means I have something to work on.