Everyone wants to know how I'm doing, if I'm okay, what I'll do next. And I have no idea how to answer any of those questions. I'm hollow and what there is left inside me hurts so badly that I stumble through the day like a zombie, except zombies don't usually walk around clutching handfuls of damp tissues. What do you do when the life you had and the life you expected to have vanish in the space of a day or two? Suddenly I understand what it must be like to lose a limb and have that phantom limb thing happen. I keep reaching out for him without thinking, and every time it's like passing your hand through thick fog. My ring finger feels so empty and the emptiness is the most constant reminder of what's happened.
Being in our apartment was so painful but the worst part was that he wasn't there anymore and even if he walked back through the door, nothing would be the same. So I ran away. I took the red eye home to Boston and have secreted myself away at my parent's house to nurse my wounds and try to get my head together. But there are reminders everywhere. Our wedding invitations are still sitting on the hutch in the dining room and there's a bag of shower gifts that were supposed to come up to the wedding with me. Then there's the pile of gifts that has to go back and I don't know how to do that. I can't even look at them. Today one of my cousins sent me flowers and I can't go near them. I don't want anyone's pity. Those flowers are more dangerous than anyone might think. I walk around them warily, as if they're about to bite.
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