That damned ugly head rears itself

Yoga is getting me in trouble. The other day I did a master class at On the Mat with Rolf Gates and it was great, but at the end I found myself cycling through some difficult emotions--sadness, grief, heart pain. I cried all through shivasana and on my way home I called Glenn. Bad idea. He sent me an email last week asking if he could see me and Scully when he comes home for the holidays, and I haven't replied because I don't think it's a good idea. But of course I want to. He was curt and preoccupied on the phone, and he got irritated with me because I held back from sharing my feelings with him because I could sense that he wasn't in a conversational mode. The call ended badly, and I was really taken aback at how insensitive he'd been, in part because I felt like I should have anticipated it and I brought it on myself. So yesterday I replied to his email and said that I didn't want to see him, especially after our phone call. He wrote back and said that he didn't want to communicate with me at all anymore. He was harsh and cruel in his wording, and I just cried at my desk for the rest of the day. While I struggle with the urge to call him and try to patch things up (why? to accomplish what?), I'm realizing that he did what I could not do--cut the cord. It's the only way I'll be able to really let go and move on. The fact is that I am still in love with him and I cannot have him in my life. I miss him every day, miss the life we had together here and in LA. But he will never be the person I need him to be, and he'll never be able to give me what I need in any kind of relationship.

I feel like I'm constantly processing so much of the past year. Once I'm in the new apartment, I can truly have a fresh start. Rob is coming for New Years and he's the only person in the world that I want to be around right now. He's the only person I know who I can be totally silent with and he will never make it awkward.