The housing conundrum

In my rush to get out of my parent's house, I never stopped to consider the emotional and logistical implications of moving out of my own again. Not just the issue of rent and location and pet-friendliness, all of which are important, but the larger question of whether I want to venture back into the world of roommates or live by myself.

When I went out yesterday to look at apartments and interview with people who are looking for a roommate, it struck me that I feel like I'm moving backward instead of forward. This is just another part of letting go of my former life, and it's painful. I was so ready to be done with the roommate thing when Glenn and I moved in together. I'm used to sharing my space with a significant other, not a total stranger. And finding a decent roommate is such a crapshoot. The places I saw yesterday were just awful--dingy tenement spaces that are all converted bedrooms and no windows or natural light. Some of the women were nice, but most of them seemed just a little bit desperate to find both a roommate and a new friend. Who knows--maybe most of the people they've interviewed are just as weird as the people I've met, and they are eager to find a normal situation, too. But it overwhelmed me.

I'm going to be 30 and I think I'm done with the roommate thing. It's just time. Yes, I have some hermit tendencies and that scares me a little bit. Roommates are good company and it's nice to have someone to say hello to when you come home at night, or someone to grab a beer with on the weekends. But it reeks of single girl world. I'm not 23 and fresh out of college. I want my own space. I'm used to decorating my own space and not having to worry about whether I'm taking up too much room in the medicine cabinet, or if someone's going to get mad if my dishes stay in the sink for too long.

So I'm going to look at studios. They're pricier and more remote, but the idea feels so much better to me. A studio is a step forward, a fresh start, a room of my own--literally. Who knows--I could get intensely lonely, but it's an opportunity to determine my own world.

Tonight I'm going to see "Sideways" with Carmen. My mother told me not to see it because one of the characters behaves like Glenn, but I'm not made of glass here. Santa Ynez is one of my favorite spots in the world. I'm going to see the stupid movie.