Tuesday, January 17, 2006

He knows I'm going to stay

Blah. Winter blues-y. Right now the world feels small and dark. If life could be conducted in bed under lots of blankets, I’d be a happy girl. So tired--I think half of the exhaustion is from all the effort it takes to try not to be depressed. This time of year, it’s a constant battle. I’m trying to find out if my HMO covers light therapy.

The places I find solace are transitory. My car, with the radio off. The couch, under a blanket with a book and lots of cats. The tanning salon, when I step out of the booth and feel toasty inside. The yoga studio just after class is over, when surrender isn’t such a negative thing.

Little things make me smile, though, make me feel less invisible. Last night after class, the lithe Indian man on the mat to my right turned and said, “It was lovely practicing next to you.” Really, he deserved the thanks. Some people just give off an aura of centered serenity and he was one of them.

Every time an opportunity comes up to go to California, something happens and it doesn’t work out. For months the something was a choice. It’s still a choice but there are moments where it feels like the universe is making sure I stay here no matter what. I miss the west coast sunshine, though. I miss my west coast friends. I miss being in a place where it feels like anything is possible. And for the first time I feel ready to visit LA, just for the fun of it without the fear of crumpling under the weight of memories.

The cafeteria was playing a cheesy version of “California Dreaming” when I went down for lunch.

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