When you come up for air

I went to my first prenatal yoga class on Sunday night. This was something I'd been thinking of doing for a few weeks but usually by 7pm on Sundays I am semi-comatose on the couch and the idea of getting myself to anything other than bed is kind of a stretch. This, however, turned out to be only part of my procrastination. When I walked into the studio, it was immediately clear to me why I have been feeling ambiguous:

1. I was by far the least pregnant person in the class.

2. All the other, more-pregnant ladies were very in touch with their developing maternal selves. They talked about doulas and nurseries and feelings and such.

3. My primary motivation was that my lower back had kind of been hurting.

4. I do not have a doula.

5. I have not thought about the nursery. In fact, we are really unsure about where we are going to put the kid period.

6. Pregnancy really is a club. I used to think that, like fashion, one day you were in and the next you were out, but no this is not true. Even when you are technically in, you are not necessarily in. Or at least I felt very much like I was sitting in the audience rather than walking the runway (and now I leave that analogy alone).

In all seriousness, the class made me realize that I've been focusing almost to the point of exclusion on the physical side of this and have not allowed myself to think at all about the emotional side. This was not easy to realize because it came along with the awareness that I also have not really accepted that this is actually happening. I still feel like every day is just that--one more day, a gift, something to be experienced in the moment, but I haven't let myself plan at all. It's much easier to make fun of the planning in my head because frankly it feels like it's happening to someone else and I am simply a ravenous, exhausted observer who somehow needs maternity pants. But there I was, on my mat, surrounded by people who were so happy to be putting together their new crib and I spent the entire class on the verge of tears.

The instructor kept telling us to put our hands on our bellies and connect to the baby, but I still have trouble connecting a baby with what I feel right now. They seem like two different things. I am hoping that will change in two weeks, when we find out what we're having.