Fantasy football championships

MeanG, it should have been yours!

The spirit lifts you up and you fall down..but then you get up again and dust your ass off

This year I had some trouble getting in the holiday spirit, and Florida is a strange place to go looking for Christmas anything (unless that anything includes tacky, of which there is plenty). When I was growing up, Christmas meant going to holiday services at our Unitarian church and then sitting in the living room inhaling the scent of pine tree and listening to music from the Nutcracker. On Christmas morning, we'd open presents and then my mom would make waffles and we'd all laze around playing with presents and avoiding the cold weather. I was a big old Christmas snob about how to celebrate Christmas, until a few years ago when I realized that the more time I spent with my parents the more I became like them, and I immediately set out to find some new traditions. Luckily, we do Christmas with Lunchboy's mom down south now and it's about as far as you can get from the way my family did things. Because Lunchboy's late father loved Outback Steakhouse, we have dinner there on Christmas eve with his mom and sister. This year his mom's new boyfriend was supposed to join us but backed out at the last minute, claiming that it "would be more comfortable if it was just us," which is code for he's had it with Lunchboy's sister's snarkiness. On Christmas morning, we open presents and go to the beach. There's a lot to be said for white Christmases, but seeing the sunlight hit the ocean speaks volumes on its own. I'm not sure where I'm going with this but all I can say is that I appreciate this Christmas for what it is. I'm still not feeling super merry, but I am feeling extremely grateful for my husband, who is kind and gives new meaning to the term "supportive," who never ceases to amaze me and has not left my side over the past three weeks; for friends who call just to say hi even though I haven't been good on email lately; for the fact that our little Pepe found a good, loving home and is safe and warm; for our ability to come here and be in the sun; for my doctor, who calls me to make sure I'm ok even though she's on vacation in North Carolina; for the fact that the world isn't as bad as it seems when things look bleak.

For the record, I'm completely aware of the fact that this has been a shitty holiday season for a lot of people and I'm under no misconception (HA!) that our little hiccup was the worst thing ever to happen in the history of the world. I can't explain why I've been in such a dark mood or why getting perspective has been harder than usual, but it has. I'm working on it and if I forgot to ask how you're doing, I'm sorry.

What dreams may come

It took us 6 months and 1500 miles to find it--in a Publix in west central Florida no less--but ohhh it was definitely worth the wait.

Running on empty

Body apparently intends to set world record for unnecessary bleeding = anemic & exhausted.

Dark, cold, wet weather that will not quit.

Doctor says not allowed to do pretty much anything but sit and go to work = frustrated & bored.

Am I ok? At this point, kind of not. Too tired to pretend otherwise.

Went to start car in order to move it yesterday & discovered car battery is dead as a doornail. Ironic?

Counting minutes to Florida: sunshine, 80 degrees, beach, ability to sleep in and take many naps.

Praying said sunshine and rest will close the book on all this by the time New Years rolls around.

Am definitely doing resolutions for 2008. Need to create lots of goals and things to look forward to.

The limit

Fuck you, Jessica Alba

I don't care that you've been on my husband's top 5 list for years, or that whole movies are made around your signature capacity to shake your goodies on camera. Until now, you seemed nice and sort of girl-next-doory and tolerable. It's not my business that three months ago you dumped your boyfriend via text message and this is probably just a way to keep him on the line. Now, however, you can kiss my ass. This is officially not fair. You have taken it too far. I hate you.


OK, I'm done now.

Nibble my ... ??

A few weeks ago we switched from Comcast to RCN, mostly because with Lunchboy working from home we needed to get a landline and router service that wasn't spotty like a Dalmatian. There is, however, one thing that cracks me up. Whereas Comcast kept their blue channels tucked away at the end of their channel list, RCN lists them high up, so if you're scrolling through the guide, you go from WWE Presents to Bulgarian Minxes 9. It's a little jarring. It's not the placement that makes me laugh (though I'm always afraid I'm going to click on the wrong thing when we have company and I'm not paying attention), it's that the porn titles are, of course, completely hilarious. Soccer Mom Sex Scandals 5. Bulgarian Minxes 9. Bombastic Bazookas 8. Nibble My Muffin 3. Tropical Booty on Fire. Ripe Melons 11. It's become such a joke that sometimes we'll scroll days ahead just to see what silly titles they've come up with next.

How does anyone take these things seriously?

Now ready to talk about something ELSE

I’m working from home today and since work is quiet, I find myself cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. Technically I’m supposed to be “resting” but I am so incredibly tired of resting. Seriously. I slept for two months and then had to lie down for a week and for crissakes I am ready to be up and about already. So I’m neatening up all the things that got strewn about or just left out over the course of the last 7 days. Remaking the guest bed with clean linens, emptying garbage cans, putting all my comfy lying-around-the-house clothes in the wash, loading the dishwasher with what seems like every glass we own. Slowly, room by room, the house is emerging from that sick-bed state. It’s even warm enough to crack a window and get a little air. It feels good.

I finally feel good, too, which is such a pleasant change. Yesterday, after 4 more days of excruciating pain and continued badness, we went back to the doctor, who told us that the medication I’d taken last Tuesday hadn’t gotten the job done and I needed to have a D&E. I won’t get into what that is because it’s pretty gross, but I will say that it’s an outpatient thing and was over quickly. I woke up from the anaesthesia and felt like one of the Cylons from the new Battlestar that get reborn in a new version of their body. I felt loopy but underneath the loopiness I felt both like a new person and also more like myself than I have in a really long time. In hindsight, I wish we’d gone with the D&E option when we had the chance last week, but we had no way of knowing the meds would crap out. Either way, now that my body is finally getting over the whole sordid experience, we can finally, FINALLY move on, too. It’s fair to say that both Lunchboy and I are fried and are eager to talk about something, anything else. For me, the house cleaning is a big part of putting this behind us.

Needless to say, I am now really looking forward to our trip to Florida. It may be boring but the warmth and change of scenery are exactly what we need. We’re starting to plan a winter vacation for our anniversary in February—no idea where yet—but we’re having fun tossing around ideas. And hey—now I’ll be able to sit in hot tubs and have the occasional mai tai, so it’s a win-win. Life is looking up. And with that, I am ready to get on with it.

Silver linings

Because we refuse to sit around being morose, and also because we’ve been encouraged to find every possible silver lining in the situation, I’ve started mentally calculating the good things about being extremely unpregnant. All of them are superficial and don’t carry much weight, and most of them are food-related, but I figure I’ll take what I can get. Here are just a few:

1. Sushi. In fact, we ate sushi for dinner on Tuesday, when neither of us was remotely hungry or in a positive frame of mind, but by god it was there and it was going to be eaten because, well, I could eat it again.

2. Clear skin.

3. No more bloating.

4. No more horrible hormonal taste in my mouth that made all food, particularly anything containing sugar, taste like dookie.

5. Vegetables. I spent the past two months having a violently nauseous reaction to fruits and vegetables, so I am genuinely enjoying eating them. Fiber! Vitamins! God, I’m old.

6. The simplicity of lunch now that I can eat lunch meats again.

7. I can go to my company’s holiday party tonight and partake of the open bar.

8. The ability to exercise without feeling like I’m going to pass out after 20 minutes.

9. Hot yoga.

10. Boobs that don’t hurt whenever they’re hit by a passing breeze.

I am very serious about the boob thing. You’d think that an inflated chest would be a big plus (especially for a small person like me), but it’s a lot less of an amenity when the stupid things hurt so much. Like, hurt when you soap up in the shower, much less try to have any fun with them.

This made me laugh (thank you Dennis!)

I am really glad to be back at work today. One thing I gleaned over the last two months was how calming it was to be in the moment, because really there wasn’t any point in fearing the future or trying to speed up time. One of the weirdest things was knowing that, no matter what I ate, how many vitamins I took, or which activities I avoided, I had absolutely no control over what was going to happen. So I am making a very mindful effort to stay as anchored in the present as I can, if only because there are so many little things to be happy about. And, strangely, I know that one day I will be psyched to once again not be able to eat sushi, vegetables, or lunch meat, to be bloated and zitty and toting painful boobs, and to be exhausted to the point of falling over. Everyone kept telling me that all the misery was worth it. At the time I wanted to hit them but now I think I understand.

Speaking out, but not ready to talk

We found out that I was pregnant in mid-October, less than a week after Lunchboy accepted the new job that would allow him to work from home most of the time. It was a surprise--we weren't trying and we hadn't planned to think seriously about having kids for another 6 months or so. I still think Scully knew before we did. A normally reserved and independent cat, she suddenly started curling up in my lap, pressing herself as tightly as she could against my body. Then I went to see my acupuncturist, who gave me a slightly alarmed look after taking my pulse and said, "Is there any way you could be pregnant?" The next night we did 5 tests and all of them were positive.

Lunchboy was immediately thrilled and excited. I was shaken and scared. Would I be a good mom? Was I ready? Were WE ready--I mean, we'd been married less than a year. Was it too soon? As if we could press the pause button or something. This made us the third couple in our group of Somerville friends who were going to be parents unexpectedly. It was real. It was happening. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod.

The morning sickness and exhaustion hit almost immediately. I was nauseous all day every day, and the short list of things that I could or wanted to eat was constantly changing. I fell asleep on the couch right after getting home from work. It was a major adjustment in every way. It felt strange, knowing my body wasn't my own anymore and it took me about 8 weeks to get used to that fact.

I wrote a lot of posts about how weird the whole experience was and how I was searching to find a place where I was at peace with this new development, where I could start to be happy and excited instead of feeling like I'd be put in the first car of a gigantic, scary rollercoaster over which I had no control. About a week ago I found that place and felt really good about what was happening. It had taken a little time but here we were and I was excited to be doing this. I wanted to be a mom. I was ready.

On Monday, we went to the monthly open house that the midwives at Mt. Auburn hold. I'd been feeling a little crampy on the way home from work, something that I hadn't felt before and was a little worried about but racked it up to some of the lovely digestive changes that accompany early pregnancy. But the cramps persisted and at the end of the open house I took the midwife on call aside and asked her what to do. She did a quick exam, got another midwife and they did an ultrasound, the first one we'd had. They were really quiet and told us that they wanted us to come back in the morning for another ultrasound--either they had the conception date off or there was a problem because things were smaller than they should have been at 10 weeks.

We didn't sleep much and went back in the morning. The sonographer was friendly and professional, but again very quiet as she did her work. "I'm very sorry," she said after a few minutes of scanning, "But I'm not finding a heartbeat. It should be there but it's not." Sudden. Final. That was that.

The next three days were a blur and I prefer not to think about them too closely. I have more friends who have miscarried with first pregnancies than friends who haven't, but you never think it's going to happen to you. We didn't realize how much we'd been hoping for the future until it suddenly went dark on the screen in front of us. It hits you a lot harder than you might think.

It's been so long since I've posted that I doubt anyone checks this and I am actually relieved about that because as much as I needed to write about this, it's an extremely private experience that doesn't really lend itself to conversation. I wanted to share what happened but not in a sympathy-grubbing way. We'll grieve and move on and be ok. We are already a lot more ok than we were. But it's why I've been silent for the past few months. The pregnancy permeated everything and since I didn't want to write about it until we'd hit the 13-week mark or so, I couldn't say anything because I didn't know how to talk around it. So that's the story.